So, here I am. I tore down
the old website, but kept its foundation. I’m looking to rebuild from the
ground upwards, starting with the rubble. Oddly enough, that’s the
story of my life, as well. How fitting and proper. There is no
reconstructing what hasn’t first been destroyed, and I’m aware of that, so I
did a bit of demolition of my own volition, rather than wait for the
inevitable. When walls seem like they’re closing in on me, I let
them get close enough for me to knock down so I could restructure my
world. I have a strong affinity for the proactive approach; some may
even consider it a vice.
Is it too soon
into this clean slate for me to start feeling nostalgic about the year that’s
drawing to a close? In my wild mind, it isn’t. I could channel
feelings of nostalgia from a telephone conversation that took place just
yesterday. My sentimentality knows no bounds. So many
aspects of my life have come full circle this year. I’ve cut ties
with anchors that weighed me down, and laid the groundwork for some really
beautiful relationships to blossom. I’m seeing myself, others, and
the world around me through a fresh pair of eyes. I learned to value
being true to myself above all things. I let go of the bittersweet
fantasy world I lived in for so long where it felt like an obligation to be
happy. Instead, I am letting myself feel everything there is to
feel. I stopped living my life in hopes of pleasing others so I
could focus on bettering myself in order to better help others. Overall, I have
honestly never felt freer to pursue self-actualization than right now, in my
current position in life.
I want to continue
appreciating all that is good, but I also don’t want to be blind to the fact
that the truth can be harsh. I’ve come a long way in terms of
spiritual and emotional development, and I’m happy that the learning process is
ongoing. I don’t feel the pressure of any deadlines. The
pressure I feel is that of not wanting to repeat the same mistakes I made in
the past, but then again it’s not really “pressure” as much as a motivating
factor for self-improvement and a constant reminder of the importance of
reflection. I look forward to everything I have yet to
discover. Hopefully the path I'm traversing will lead me to the most
effective ways to have a positive impact on the lives of others, and I feel
like I’m on the right track with how I’ve been living – with hope, love,
gratitude, and a handful of amazingly inspiring people guiding me.
Looking back, one
of the most important skills I’ve harnessed this year with the help of some
really great people is the ability to discern static relationships from dynamic
ones, and the ability to decide and enforce which of these I want in my
life. My experiences have led me to value dynamic relationships,
those where myself and others grow mutually. I have come to
understand that while not all change is necessarily growth, all growth is
positive, whether people grow together or apart. In all the
instances I’ve encountered where people and I have grown apart, as painful as
the initial separation may be, I always end up realizing sooner or later that
it’s for the best. When relationships are forced, we go against the
flow of nature, which ultimately postpones (for the moment, if not
indefinitely) our natural growth. There is wisdom in letting nature
take its course, and equal wisdom in awareness of all that we, ourselves, have
control over. In static relationships, common ground for growth is
as scarce as blue gold in the Sahara. Now, one can easily make the
argument: common ground and growth depend on perception. Fair
enough, sure they do — but if I don’t perceive they’re there, then I’ve hit a
brick wall, haven’t I? Our experiences shape our perceptions; they
also affect our reactions, both anticipatory and actual. I’ve had
lots of run-ins with such inescapable truths this year. I’m sure
they will emerge as recurring themes in future posts. Universal
truths are just that pervasive.
I return to this
online confessional with my eyes more open than ever, with my heart more open
than ever, with my world bigger and brighter than ever. It’s my hope
that by chronicling my journey I’ll be better able to sort out my thoughts and
feelings, pour out more positive energy into the universe, and further my
learning along the way. Hopefully some good will come out of sharing
my experiences, even if only for the purpose of self-therapy.
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