Believe in your worth.

I’ve witnessed and experienced the disintegration of many friendships – some were mutual, others not...  some occurred naturally, others didn’t.  In retrospect, a common factor I can identify now about those friendships lost was that they all left me feeling bad about myself.  In the wake of a broken bond, I’d ask myself things like “What did I do wrong?”, “Why couldn’t I make this work?”, or “How did I not see where things started to go downhill?” and my personal favorite, “What is wrong with me?”  I blamed myself for everything.  It was me who failed to live up to my end of the friendship, me who didn’t do enough to convince the other person that the bond was worth saving, me who neglected to communicate effectively.  I took it upon myself to carry all that weight around from those moments forward, allowing it to transform into a boulder of fear, resentment, and insecurity that weighed me down on my journey.  It prevented me from seeing myself as someone worthy of commitment or love.

I realized that one of the reasons I took lost friendships so hard was because I was seeking validation from sources other than myself.  I was not confident enough in the qualities I possessed as a person and therefore sought out the approval/acceptance of others.  As it would happen, the rejection I felt from former friends was doubly painful because deep down I rejected myself.  I couldn’t see past my own imperfections, which made it difficult for me to view myself in a positive way.  It took a lot of introspection and a deeper understanding of self-awareness for me to build confidence in myself, to be assured in who I am as a person, and be aware of what qualities I have to offer others.  It took time, perseverance, and painstaking trial and error, for me to learn to love me for me (faults and imperfections included).  We’re not born confident.  We’re born dependent on the love of others in order to survive.  But our ultimate survival in this world depends on learning to outgrow that dependence, so we can evolve into self-reliant, confident people.

After seeking the counsel of people whose words I deem sacred, I came to the realization that bridges go both ways.  I couldn’t take full responsibility for the demise of a friendship that involved someone other than myself because guess what- it takes two people to build a friendship and those same people are responsible for maintaining it.  The concept of “it takes two” sounds so simple now, but in tumultuous times, common sense is sometimes blurred and, at times, even discarded.  There are some friends with whom I’m constantly in touch, and others who I speak to once in a while, but the frequency of communication does not detract from the quality of our friendship.

Also, it’s important to note that people change; it’s every person’s prerogative and explanations are owed to no one.  I remember speaking to an older mentor about my friendship with a girl from high school that seemed to be headed down the path to destruction-- the girl and I spoke very seldom, and when we did speak it seemed common ground was so difficult to find that it actually felt like work.  He asked me why it was so important for me to preserve a friendship that would most likely naturally disintegrate, and I replied “because we had something so great back in high school, and I’d like for us to try to get to that point again”.  He shook his head at me and said “The only way you can get to that point again is by going back in time.”  He was right.  I was holding onto an attachment that existed only in the past, and it was causing me pain in the present.  I realized at that moment that I needed to just accept that my friend and I had grown apart over the years, appreciate the good times we shared, and appreciate the opportunity to nurture other friendships more intently.

Along my path, I’ve encountered so many wonderful people whose qualities and wealth of knowledge continue to enrich my life.  And one of the most important lessons I’ve learned thus far: We can’t expect from others what we don’t believe we’re worth.