Responsibility to self.

I noticed I only turn to writing when my emotions are running high. Why is that?

I think it’s because I’m most driven to write when something is pushing and pulling the passion within me.

I find that I renew my appreciation for the simple things in life when I encounter major disappointments. I understand that things aren’t “always bad”, just like things aren’t “always good”. But that doesn’t stop me from hoping for the best and for striving to develop into the best possible version of myself (in my eyes, at least).

Today, I’m feeling guilty – guilty of harboring an expectation to be treated by others the way that I treat them. There is no rational reason on this green earth that I should ever expect others to treat me with the same level of priority, respect, compassion, and understanding with which I treat them. It’s illogical; there are no rules in life, only personal principles we adopt along the way. It’s a delusion of idealism, and to be frank, it’s a diluted form of affectionate vengeance (a hug for a hug, instead of an eye for an eye – think about it, same vengeful concept, but one is cloaked in the mask of affection), and I’m seeing that so clearly now. I’ve subconsciously been setting myself up for disappointment this whole time by failing to remind myself that I’m the only person who is responsible for my heart and my feelings. Me. No one else. Now that I have acknowledged my personal shortcomings, I can start to work towards improving myself. Will it change how I treat others? Of course not. But it will change how I treat myself, for the better.

Sometimes, I wish I could function without emotions and just do what needs to be done because it needs to be done, without letting my feelings have any type of weight in the decisions that I make. But I’m human, not a robot. And that’s part of the beauty of being human – that I decide what I FEEL is the right thing to do – not because I anticipate judgment from anyone who may be watching me, and not because I fear the consequence of doing the “wrong” thing, but simply because I can decide for myself what I FEEL in my heart is the right thing to do. The decision part is natural and even instinctive, to a certain extent. All I really have to do is listen to my internal voice and trust myself. It’s the implementation part that requires bravery. That’s the part where I prove to myself that I can live up to the principles I deem sacred and valuable. That’s the part where my actions show what my heart and mind have already decided would be the best course for the nourishment of my soul.

In my efforts to be selfless, I have succeeded only in neglecting myself. So from now on, I’m employing a heightened awareness towards my responsibility to care for myself so that I may be better able to care for others.